this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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