He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
