Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
