Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
