I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
