The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Swine flu. Run for my life!
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
