Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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