I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
