if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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