What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
