Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
