Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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