I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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