i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
