I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
