He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
