I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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