This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
