Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
