I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
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