I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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