so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
