i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
