1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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