Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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