What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize