life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
