I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
