hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
