so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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