At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
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