Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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