Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
