I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Randomize
