Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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