I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
