I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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