phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I see more hoeing in ur future
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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