I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
We smell like vodka and hangover
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
