apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
