If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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