I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
