Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize