I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
