Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize