My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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