Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 607 share tweet
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize