On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
