What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Drunk is not a location!
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize