i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
