get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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