Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize