i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
