Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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