dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
