dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
