happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
