Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
